Financial Topics to Discuss Before Getting Married

With Valentine’s Day just a few days back, there were likely more than a few new engagements being celebrated. Congrats if that’s you!! And, what better time to consider financial topics to discuss before getting married?  Not to mention spring is right around the corner. Love is in the air, and that also means wedding season isn’t far away. My brother just got engaged, and will be getting married next year either in the spring or fall. Yahoo! I get a new sister-in-law! As someone who only had brothers growing up, I’m looking forward to having more girls in the family. 😊

With this in mind, I wanted to make the happy couple a list of personal finance topics to discuss to start off on the right foot. Some of these things Mr BA and I did, and some I wish I was brave or smart enough to do back then when I got engaged and married.   Let’s dive in!

Pre-Engagement and Engagement Related Financial Topics To Discuss

The Basics

1. Do pre-marriage counseling offered by your church or community. It doesn’t really matter where you do it, but it will help foster conversations you may not have had yet. (Or, even thought to have yet.) Mr BA and i completed Pre-Cana, and I recall a moment where we discussed finances which led to Mr BA paying off his student loans. It wasn’t much so it wasn’t a big deal. But with that out of the way we pretty much had a clean slate to work with. I had purchased a condo we were going to lived in and I had a mortgage, but other than that I didn’t have any debts. We both contributed to our 401ks and had some space between our earning and expenses we could put toward the wedding savings. 
2. If you don’t do the counseling, that’s fine. Still share your assets and liabilities. Tally up them both up and share all of it. For better or worse. You are about to be bind yourself to this person, and with that comes their financial history too.
3. Share what it was like growing up in your home. Was money ever a topics of discussion? Was money a stressful topic in the household? Did the phase “time is money” come up, and did your family outsource things like cooking and cleaning? Were you a DIY family that spent time and money doing things yourself. This is helpful to understand what each person it bringing to the table, perhaps without even realizing the impact. Work was a big topic in my house growing up. I witnessed stability of W2 jobs and the ups and downs of entrepreneurship. However, financial independence was never a discussion topic, even in light of examples within my own family.

More Detailed

1. Discuss if you will combine finances or not. Mr BA and I were both in our 20’s when we got married, and combined finances were modeled in our families so it seemed reasonable for us to combine finances.  But I know that’s not always the case these days. Separate finances are quite popular especially if the couple is a little older and further on in their careers or goals. With pros and cons to both options I think you have to think about what each person brings to the table, coupled with both parties preferences, and talk about it all. Include expensive hobbies, collections, gambling preferences, and vices (Yes, I’m looking at you Amazon 1-click purchase button!)
2. Kids – clearly an obvious financial topic to discuss. Will one or both parents want to stay home? What if one person changes their mind? Private schools, city, burbs, nanny? College?  What if one person changes their mind about even having kids? 
3. Jewelry. I love jewelry. I had more preferences about the ring I wanted than the wedding I wanted. Maybe that’s weird, but talk about this topic too. Don’t assume what you like will be what the other person likes or wants to purchase. I love hearing people’s stories on this topic – especially when they are outside of the traditional box. I love that Monica Geller got a diamond and sapphire engagement ring, and I had a girl friend growing up who’s mother had an emerald as an engagement ring. 

Wedding & Honeymoon Related Financial Topics

Quick Hits

1. What kind of budget will you set? Don’t go overboard and go into debt. We didn’t go into debt but we went a little overboard. We had a budget which we stuck to, but when I think back on that day, I still can’t believe we could have purchased a brand new car or made a nice down payment on some real estate for what we paid. Yes, I look back fondly on the day, but it was ONE day…ONE day…wait, more like several hours. I likely would have looked back fondly on whatever we had decided to do. I was the one that wanted the big but tasteful wedding and I never would have thought I’d say these things. But perspectives change. 
2. Don’t do things because others “expect” you to. Do them because you or your partner want to do them or skip it. You don’t need to have the same wedding as your friends, brother/sister, cousin or neighbor. 
3. You can’t and won’t please everyone no matter what, so don’t drive yourself crazy trying. I know this isn’t a financial topic to discuss, but it’s a key point to keep in mind and could have some key financial implications as you are planning the big day.

More Topics

1. Explore the unconventional options if they interest you. I often think back to what some of our other options were that we considered. For example, we thought about going to a vineyard in California and having a smaller more intimate destination wedding. It would have cost a little less or about the same since we had budgeted flying family out as part of the option, but we found many of the relatives we wanted to have as part of the day would not have traveled. So we didn’t go with that option. But I do wish I would have gone against the grain a bit more.
2. Do the things you both like about weddings and ditch all the other parts. This might be an easy financial topic to discuss. For us, I wish we skipped the garter belt thing and the bouquet toss – never liked those. Oh, and the many overly posed family pictures. I would have rather spent time dancing with family and friends. 
3. If you are crafty, do it up! We did wedding favors and the program and they turned out great since they were things we could do ahead and not have to stress over on the day of.
4. Looks for areas where you can trim the budget and still get exactly what you’d like. Two examples come to mind for us:
   1. Flowers – We kept things simple and used a friend of a friend who was able to get us a discount. Those are some of the most fun times, I had during the wedding planning – hunting for deals.
   2. The Dress. Going in I knew didn’t want to have the long traditional heavy wedding gown with the long train. Mr BA and I were out to dinner one night at a restaurant at the Water Tower in Chicago. And, after dinner we were riding down the escalators and there was a Jessica McClintock store where I browsed for a quick moment. I saw a simple dress, tried it on, and I liked it so much I bought it that night. I wasn’t even looking. Yes it was white, but I’m pretty sure it was not a wedding dress. I couldn’t have cared less and it looked great that day and in the pictures.
5. Bridesmaids and groomsmen. You don’t need to include every person whose wedding you stood up in. No one will mind if you don’t reciprocate – seriously. They will not mind.

Honeymoon Related Financial Topics to Discuss

1. Make sure you budget for the honeymoon and talk about where you’ll go and what you’ll be doing on the trip. You don’t want to be stressing about any of the finances while on the honeymoon. So discuss the honeymoon just like any other topic related to the wedding and add a line item to the wedding budget.
2. How will you pay for the honeymoon? Can you use point? Frequent flyer, hotel, Chase Ultimate Rewards, you name it. Use it up. We used points for the flights and hotel rooms. We went on a 2 week vacation to Hawaii and stayed at 2 lovely Hilton resorts and it was fantastic. All on points! We stayed on the Big Island and O’ahu and Hawaii left us wanted to return again and explore the other islands. We were travel hacking from all the points I had accumulated while traveling for work before the wedding. And, fun fact, it wasn’t even known as “travel hacking” back then. But it made me happy and we only had to pay for food and activities – for 2 weeks!
3. Location? Go somewhere you’ll remember, but don’t go somewhere that will stress you out with tons of activities. So much time was just spent planning and pulling off a lovely wedding, time for a little rest and relaxation. Last thing you’ll want to do is be on a schedule.

Now You Are Married! What Financial Topics Should You Be Discussing?

Quick Hits

1. Plan things together even if it’s hard or one person doesn’t want to. Set big goals. Financial and otherwise. Consider what you can do over the next 10 years. I like the quote by Bill Gates: “People overestimate what they can do in 1 year but underestimate what can be done in a decade”. Take that to heart. I also like starting with the end in mind (Steven Covey) and reverse engineering toward your goals. 
2. Budget or look at finances together on a regular schedule. Numerous financial topics to discuss will result from this practice alone, so keep at it and find what works for you.

More Topics

1. Take the 5 love languages quiz if you haven’t already and think about how to apply it to your life. Mr BA and I were recently talking about his quiz, and he may need to do it again since perhaps his preferences have changed. Is that possible?
2. Avoid lifestyle inflation. You just got lots of wedding gifts. Go write your thank you notes, put the credit cards down. Don’t go house hunting as soon as you get back from the honeymoon. Appreciate all that you have for a moment. You just lived through one of those major life events. Take a beat to let that sink in. If you are combining households, settle in and learn what your new baseline is before you go off and change everything.
3. Avoid the drift state. Push each other to save more than you think may be necessary. Max out your retirement accounts and start that brokerage account. If you’ve been saving for a wedding up until now, move that savings into the brokerage account and invest it or save for a down payment on a rental property.
4. Watch for red flags, like one person thinking the budget is to strict or one person feels like they don’t know what’s going on. Or, even one person maybe feels like they are having to pay the bills or track the spending and it’s not getting done. Look for things slipping month over month. Red flags are key indicators of financial topics to discuss. Don’t let them fester. 

Bottom Line on Marriage Related Financial Topics

You might be thinking, “Wow that’s a lot of financial topics we need to discuss!” And I hear ya! No need to talk about these all at once, in fact, spread them out over a few weeks, months, long car rides, or plane trips. Especially if one or both of you are like Mr BA and can get easily overwhelmed or don’t like to be pinned down on these topics. Revisit them often and see how things have changed over time. Change is okay, it is to be expected. If you aren’t changing you aren’t growing. 

Did I miss any big hairy financial topics to discuss before marriage? Let me know in the comments below!